Thursday, December 23, 2004

Happy Festivus

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born ... a Festivus for the rest of us!
Cosmo Kramer: That must've been some doll.
Frank Costanza: She was!

I hope everybody is having a happy Festivus. In honor of the holiday, a donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. The Human Fund. Money for people.

For those of you who don't know, the Festivus celebration includes three major components:

The Festivus Pole: During Festivus, an unadorned aluminum pole is displayed apparently in opposition to the commercialization of decorated Christmas trees and because the holiday's creator, Frank Costanza, "find[s] tinsel distracting." Local customs have changed, and you may be able to decorate your pole with non-threatening plain decorations.

The Airing of Grievances: At the Festivus dinner, the celebrant tells his or her friends and family all the instances where they disappointed the celebrant that year.

The Feats of Strength: The head of the family tests his or her strength against one participant of the head's choosing. Festivus is not considered over until the head of the family has been pinned. A participant is allowed to decline to attempt to pin the head of the family only if they have something better to do instead.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Feast of Alvis

"On a frosty winter's night, a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party called Delia was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely. And on this frosty winter's night, young Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the hospital was full. And so there in the stable, among the feed and tack and the ... the ... whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called Alvis, as was her wont. And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided among them that the birth of this child must truly be a miracle. And it was so, for above the fort, there suddenly and miraculously appeared an awesome and mighty comet. And so brilliant was its light, that there came from all the tribes, which the soldiers had not yet decimated, shamans. And they rode upon buffalo as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts, offerings of whiskey and firearms. And when the shamans saw the child, they were in awe, for he glowed as bathed in the light which was truly not of this world." - as told by Captain Hazel "Hank" Murphy of "Sealab 2021" on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim."

“Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk. Then we shall find and beat the asses of the non-believers who ruined my feast.” - Alvis

Friday, December 17, 2004

I Thought You Were Circus Midgets

Am I going to hell because this article made me laugh?

"Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands." - Austin Powers

Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Ukraine Is Weak

If you're a "Risk" fan, click here for a hilarious news brief from the Onion.

"In the '30s, Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War ... Russian front, not a good idea. Hitler never played "Risk" when he was a kid. 'Cause, you know, playing "Risk," you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn’t fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up." - Eddie Izzard

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Catch Me Up

Kim doesn’t agree with my top 10 CDs of 2004. (She hates the Fiery Furnaces and loves Gomez.) To appease her, I’ve come up with my top 11 through 25 CDs of 2004. Feel free to comment with your own list. Enjoy!

11. Walkmen – Bows and Arrows
12. Elliott Smith – From a Basement on the Hill
13. Lowgold – Welcome to Winners
14. Earlimart – Treble and Tremble
15. Air – Talkie Walkie
16. Gomez – Split the Difference
17. A.C. Newman – The Slow Wonder
18. Modest Mouse – Good News for People Who Love Bad News
19. Bjork – Medulla
20. Jonny Greenwood – Bodysong
21. Green Day – American Idiot
22. Hives – Tyrannosaurus Hives
23. Polyphonic Spree – Together We’re Heavy
24. Sparta – Porcelain
25. They Might Be Giants – The Spine

Friday, December 10, 2004

Bartholomew

"My Dog Was Lost but Now He's Found" by the Fiery Furnaces

... I kicked my dog
I was mean to him before
I guess that’s why he walked out my door
I really wish I could see him some more
I looked under the mats and I asked all the cats
I went to the vet have you heard anything yet?
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I went to the bar and they said not so far
I went to the gym have you taken a walk with him?
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I went to the run but they were having too much fun
I put up a flyer and gossiped the town cryer
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I stood on the corner and called up the coroner
I e-mailed the station and told ‘em my location
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I went to the DQ 'cause I thought I might see you
I went to the Super K have you seen any recent stray?
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I went down to the market where tied up you used to bark at
Went where you got adopted felt so bad I nearly dropped dead
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I put a mortgage on my lease and went to the police
I bribed my way on the system 'cause I really, really missed him
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I finally went to ground gave some pence to the pound
I finally went to ground gave some pence to the pound
My dog was lost but now he’s found
My dog was lost but now he’s found
I went to the church that Wednesday night
The guest preacher said I bark but I don’t bite
I saw my dog, but he’d seen the light
My dog was lost but now he’s found

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Vulgar Display of Power

I can’t believe this. A deranged Pantera fan who presumably blamed Dimebag Darrell for breaking up the band shot and killed the guitarist last night. Mark David Chapman, eat your heart out! What the hell is wrong with people? Not that it matters, but anybody who knows the first thing about Pantera understands Philip Anselmo, not Dimebag Darrell, was mainly responsible for the band’s demise. Still, nobody deserves to die for breaking up a band, not even Yoko Ono. I just hope there aren’t too many disgruntled Shuttlecock or Reformers fans out there. To make matters worse, the nutjob was wearing a Columbus Blue Jackets jersey. I'm relieved it didn't turn out to be left-winger Rick Nash. I would still like to lecture the surviving members of Pantera, especially Dimebag Darrell’s brother Vinnie Paul, for defiling the Stanley Cup after the Dallas Stars usurped the trophy in 1999. For what it’s worth, I still say Brett Hull was in the crease. For bonus points, name Pantera’s bass player without searching the Internet. I’ll give you a hint: it’s not Michael Anthony.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Things I Learned Today

Red lights in Galveston apparently don't mean stop. Green lights in Galveston apparently don't mean go. The Subway I go to for lunch about once a week used to be a peep show.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children?

I just finished reading this ridiculous article and was left wondering what happens when a student breaks or snaps his or her own bracelet.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue

I saw a truck in the parking lot of Whataburger yesterday with a Toby Keith sticker next to a sticker of Calvin pissing on a Dixie Chicks sticker. I bet the truck’s owner felt like a real patriot, a true freedom fighter. I spotted a guy with the lowest-sloping forehead and reddest neck, which is not easy to do at Whataburger during lunch hour, and, sure enough, he was the owner of the truck. I wanted to approach him and sarcastically thank him for helping to ensure our country’s damnation for at least four more years, but he was too busy polishing his halo and draping himself in the American flag to chat with me.

"I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little bit. 'Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag.' Well, I bought mine. Sorry. You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out, brand new flag, no violence was necessary. 'Hey buddy, my daddy died in the Korean war for that flag.' What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!" - Bill Hicks

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Top 10 CDs of 2004

1. Cooper Temple Clause – Kick Up the Fire and Let the Flames Break Loose
2. Dillinger Escape Plan – Miss Machine
3. Brian Wilson – Smile
4. Arcade Fire – Funeral
5. Fiery Furnaces – Blueberry Boat
6. Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand
7. Interpol – Antics
8. Sonic Youth – Sonic Nurse
9. TV on the Radio – Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
10. Wilco – A Ghost Is Born